An Emotional First Aid tRAINing Refresher

“We often neglect our psychological wounds until they become severe enough to impair our functioning … Strength does not come from controlling our emotions but from learning to control how we respond to them.”  Guy Winch, PhD – psychologist and author   

You likely know them well – those emotional “hot buttons” and “pain points” that when pressed can completely derail your day.   For me, they don’t even need to be pressed by a person (though they often are).  Technology often does the job quite well.  And when that happens, I am no longer bringing my best self, or even my better self, to the situation.  Indeed, it would be accurate to say that when those derailers occur, I’m “out of my mind.”    

In those moments, a handy emotional first aid tool that can expand my self-awareness and strengthen emotional management would sure come in handy.  Fortunately, there is such a tool, and it comes through the acronym R.A.I.N.  The R.A.I.N process was originally developed by Michelle McDonald, a mindfulness teacher, and was popularized and adapted by Tara Brach, PhD, a psychologist, author, and renown meditation teacher.    

What does it look like to “let it R.A.I.N.” when one is feeling strong, often overwhelming, negatively charged emotions?  Here is how the process unfolds: 

Recognize what is happening:   This requires stepping outside of oneself and consciously acknowledging and naming the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that may have been triggered rather than seeing them as a justified “reaction” to whatever seems to have set them off.   It is often helpful in this step to simply give a name to the emotion or experience, such as “frustration,” “anger,” or “disappointment.”

Allow life to be just as it is:  Once one recognizes the strong emotion, there might be a temptation to suppress, avoid, or internally “explain” it away.  This step encourages instead to accept the existence of the negative emotion and allow for it to be explored with self-compassion rather than the more common self-criticism.

Investigate with gentle attention:  This step provides the opportunity for taking on an attitude of curiosity and openness regarding the emotion, and by doing so, “disarming” some of the negative energy.  This is not a process of intellectual detachment, but rather tender exploration.  A simple question such as “what is true here?” can help get the investigation started, often followed by the question “what is needed here?”

Non-Identification or non-attachment with the emotion.  In this final step, the realization of the impersonal and fleeting nature of an emotion allows one to experience it without “becoming” that emotion.  Reminders such as “I am not this emotion” or “This too shall pass” are often helpful.  This creates the opportunity to experience the sense of spaciousness and freedom that comes when emotions are simply allowed to flow.   

The practice of expanding one’s emotional awareness can become an important tool to equip us to “own our emotions” rather than letting them “own us,” remembering that neglecting strong negative or painful emotions will not make them go away.   After all, we would likely consider it foolishness to neglect a painful physical wound.  Why then would we think differently of an emotional one?