Being Admitted to the “I See You”

“The ultimate touchstone of friendship … is witness.”   David Whyte; poet, author, philosopher

As spring arrives, we all are carrying some individual and collective “wounds” from this past “COVID winter.”  In addition, recently I have become aware of more than a handful of colleagues who are facing significant personal health concerns.  Some have been very forthcoming regarding these challenges, and others have remained quite private, often for very extended periods of time.    

As I spoke with some of them about their journey and then reflected on some of my own past and present health challenges (see Blog 3/8/21), I noted a common thread for those times when they (and I) felt most supported.  It was when a friend created a safe space to feel seen and heard – when the friend was actively and unconditionally present.   It is that space that I have come to understand as the place of “witness.” 

In his essay on “Friendship” from the book “Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment, and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words,” David Whyte writes the following about this type of friendship:  “A friend knows our difficulties and shadows and remains in sight, a companion to our vulnerabilities more than our triumphs, when we are under the strange illusion we do not need them.” 

But need them we do, and after providing caution regarding how overwork and too much emphasis on a professional identity can cause us to lose perspective on the importance of these relationships, he concludes by highlighting the healing power of witness in friendship:  “ … the ultimate touchstone of friendship … is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, and sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone”

Yet, despite our “knowing better,” we are too often tempted to try and travel portions of this professional journey alone, and these are often the times that we need witness the most.   So as you connect with your PeerRx partner in the coming weeks for your weekly and longer quarterly check-in (“90 minutes every 90 days”), take advantage of this time to reciprocally serve not only as an encourager, but also as a supportive witness to each other’s COVID winter healing – a mutual practice of allowing yourselves to be admitted to the “I See You.”  There is no more powerful of a gift that you could give to each other.

NOTE:  Here is a recording of David Whyte reading and reflecting upon the entire “Friendship” essay (7 minutes):  Friendship - David Whyte