Belonging or Be Longing?
“True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
What was the best job you ever had? While for you the answer might be “being a physician,” that is not the case for me. Being a summer camp counselor during college continues to be the standard by which I have measured every job since.
Last year I hired a leadership coach to help guide me through some professional questions I was having at the time, and she encouraged me to explore this seemingly nostalgic standard, asking “What was it about being a camp counselor that so spoke to your soul?” While there were many aspects I loved about camp and being a counselor, the quality that sets it apart from my other jobs was the sense of being part of something where I felt I belonged – where all of me was welcomed, and where others felt the same. It was truly a “come as you are” and “let’s grow together” time.
In a 2013 study entitled “To Belong is to Matter,” Nathaniel Lambert and colleagues concluded, “Using a diverse set of methods, we found converging evidence that feeling a sense of belongingness is a powerful predictor and cause of finding life meaningful.” Not only did belonging predict a sense of meaning – it actually caused it. This identical conclusion was reached by Eric Barker in his 2022 book, Plays Well With Others, where he boldly states, “ … belonging is the meaning of life.” He goes on, “… the most memorable moments in my life … are always when I was with a group where I felt accepted. Where I felt I belonged.”
True belonging is not the same as inheriting (“I belong to my family”), joining (“I belong to my professional society), being selected (I belong to this medical group) or fitting in, selling out, or pretending (I belong to this social group). As Brené Brown, quoted above, goes on to say, “It's a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are.” That includes the less than perfect parts of ourselves. Belonging does not require you to change yourself, nor others to change themselves. It is not about adaptation – it is about acceptance, starting with yourself.
Indeed, what was most impactful for me about those summers working at YMCA camp was the level of acceptance I experienced – the opportunity to both "bring the best of me, and the rest of me." We encouraged each other and we "graced" each other, and in the process, “the rest of me” slowly began to transform, to heal, to soften, to grow. And that is what I have aspired to in every job since then. Certainly, there are other places outside of work to find this as well, but given the amount of “life energy” one spends at work, I believe if we are not able to find a sense of belonging there, we will continually find ourselves in a place of “be longing.”
It therefore shouldn’t surprise me that as I have become more vulnerable and allowed more of me to show up in my present job, I’ve experienced a greater sense of belonging … and deeper meaning. If I keep that up it could become my new “best job ever”! And that’s something I’d wish for all of us. So who are those people in your work who engender a sense of belonging for you? How might you show up differently with them? Doing so could change everything … for the better … starting with you ….