It’s Time to Stop Pretending
“Toxic positivity is positivity given in the wrong way, in the wrong dose, at the wrong time.” David Kessler, author of “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.”
“We just need to be more positive!” These words from a healthcare executive in the midst of a discussion about the sobering results of a physician well-being survey still haunt me. In this case, it felt much more like a disingenuous denial of reality rather than a misguided attempt at encouragement. The impact was a “poisoning” of the conversation and shutting down of any meaningful dialogue. In other words, it felt toxic.
Toxic positivity is the belief that one should have a positive mindset and express only positive emotions and thoughts at all times, particularly when things are difficult. It often comes disguised as a simplistic attempt to circumvent a challenging circumstance, using phrases such as “No worries,” “It’s all good,” or “It could be worse.” Although perhaps well-intentioned, it has the effect of discounting, dismissing, or even denying emotions that are not positive. The resulting damage can be quite real, including the erosion of trust, emotional harm by devaluing a cry for help, and the suppression of vital dialogue or glossing over adverse circumstances that need to be addressed.
Since I am a big believer in the power of optimism (my e-mail tagline for many years has been “make encouragement and gratitude a way of life”), I was left wondering about the boundary between hopeful optimism and toxic positivity, as I don’t want to be a contributor to a toxically positive workplace or home. In doing some research, I learned that hopeful optimism is a process of anticipating positive circumstances and desirable outcomes. Research has shown that imagining the future in such ways can help promote thriving and sustain us during challenging times.
Forced optimism or toxic positivity, on the other hand, encourages us to deny any dark emotions we might be experiencing, even if they seem appropriate to the circumstances. And we’ve had plenty of those over the past 2 years! As Peter Pronovost, MD, PhD, chief quality and clinical transformation officer at University Hospitals in Cleveland recently said, “We need … the balance of hopeful and humble. Hopeful that we will get through this. But also the courage to confront our current reality: It sucks. Let's not pretend this isn't really hard.” Or, as a colleague said to me during the course of the pandemic, “I don’t expect it to be awesome. I just want for it to suck less!”
How do we emphasize the positive without denying or suppressing the negative so we can break this all too pervasive tendency toward toxicity? By practicing! I found this wonderful resource on the website positivepsychology.com called “Harmful to Helpful Toxic Positivity Phrases” that is a great place to start. Harmful to Helpful Phrases
This upcoming week, be aware of any tendencies you might have to dismiss or minimize the struggles of those around you … and yourself! It’s not “all good” right now. Far from it. Pretending isn’t fooling anyone. But there is good news. You don’t have to navigate this “really hard” alone. The antidotes to our present challenges are hopeful optimism and positive connection. As we sense some hope on the horizon, let’s use them generously and frequently to ensure that no one cares alone …. Not now, not ever.