No One Should Grieve Alone

“Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”   David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief

How do you grieve?  Or for many of us, perhaps the better question is “do you grieve?”  Though we typically associate grieving with the death of a loved one, that is a very narrow view of loss and grief.  Indeed, loss comes in many forms, including changes in relationships, changes in physical health, and changes in life circumstances, and we’ve certainly had plenty of all of those since COVID-19 became a household word.   

My experience is that many physicians and other healthcare professionals don’t grieve effectively, if they even consciously grieve at all.   Note that last sentence didn’t say “correctly,” but rather “effectively.”    That is certainly true for me.   Indeed, we rarely allow ourselves permission to experience the wide range of complex and often “unlovely” emotions that can accompany loss, including anger, shock, guilt, and even relief.  Instead, we often dismiss, bury, or deny them rather than providing ourselves the space and grace to process them. 

It’s almost as if we in healthcare have been taught somewhere along the way that grief is not necessary for us because either we don’t experience it in the same way as others or we’re not negatively impacted by loss like others are – that somehow we are either immune to it or have been able to transcend it.   And that those of us who do experience it and express that grief are somehow weak, too enmeshed, or even “unprofessional.” 

In the process, we deny our humanity and instead of learning how to grieve, we experience emotional consequences of suppressed and unresolved grief, including irritability, anger, guilt, fear, confusion, and emotional distance.  You are likely seeing these being expressed by many of our colleagues presently – and perhaps by yourself as well.      

This week, remember that loss is being experienced by all of us and what we do with it matters, so be sure to check in with those around you to see how they’re processing that loss – how they’re grieving, starting with your PeerRx partner.  And allow them to check in with you as well.  Then together, let’s discover the meaning that might come from it, remembering that no one should grieve alone.