Recognizing Our Need to Belong
"Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else." – Anonymous
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the power and importance of “belonging,” and when I have and have not experienced it. This was catalyzed by the closing plenary at the recent American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) Physician Well-being conference. During her talk, former AAFP President Ada Stewart, MD, building on a quote by Verna Myers, made this memorable distinction: “Diversity is being invited to the dance; Inclusion is being asked to dance; Belonging is being able to dance like no one is watching.”
When Abraham Maslow, PhD, first published his "hierarchy of needs", he recognized that the human need for interpersonal connection and acceptance was so important that he placed “love and belonging” just after the needs for food, clothing, shelter, and physical safety and before those of self-esteem and self-actualization. He understood that true belonging is not the same as inheriting (“I belong to my family”), joining (“I belong to my professional society”), being selected (“I belong to this honor society”) or fitting in, selling out, or pretending (“I belong to this social group”). It is not about adaptation, but rather acceptance.
Creating the conditions for belongingness requires an approach that fosters inclusivity, respect, and deeper understanding. Encouraging open communication where every voice is sought and valued is crucial. Raising awareness and educating about biases and stereotypes can be eye-opening. Establishing mentorship or buddy systems (such as PeerRx) can facilitate connections and provide support. Recognizing and celebrating individual and collective achievements regardless of background or identity reinforces a sense of belonging. Additionally, creating opportunities for shared group experiences can strengthen bonds. By prioritizing a culture where everyone feels respected, supported, valued, and needed, any group can cultivate belongingness.
Indeed, what has been most impactful for me about the many times I have experienced belonging was both the level of acceptance I experienced from others and the space I felt to learn how to better accept myself. During those times, we encouraged each other to share the hidden parts of ourselves, to take interpersonal risks, and while doing so, to show grace for and laugh with each other. They were opportunities to "bring the best of me, and the rest of me." In the process, “the rest of me” slowly began to transform, to heal, to soften, to grow.
Given the amount of “life energy” we spend at work, I believe it is imperative that we are able to find a sense of belonging there and to create one for each other. It shouldn’t surprise me that as I have allowed “the rest of me” to show up more in my present job by sharing more of the essential parts of myself, including my love of writing and passion for coaching, I’ve experienced a greater sense of belonging … and deeper meaning. That is certainly something I’d wish for all of us. No one should care alone.