Time for a “Retirement Party” From Competitive Suffering?
“Saying someone shouldn’t feel sad because someone else may have it worse is like saying someone can't be happy because someone else may have it better.” Unknown
If you’re like many who work in healthcare, as you care for people who are facing significant health challenges, you’ve likely found yourself at times thinking, “Who am I to complain when there are so many who have it so much worse?” There may even be a voice or voices from your past joining in that chorus. The psychological literature has coined this common mindset as “comparative suffering.”
Comparative suffering is when one feels the need to contrast one person’s suffering with the suffering of others. Those of us in healthcare have generally been socialized to believe that our struggles and/or suffering are not legitimate or can wait because it is our job to care for the many others in distress. We often even take it one step further and find ourselves participating in a process termed “competitive suffering,” in which we assign all suffering, both ours and that of others, a “legitimacy score” along some sort of self-created legitimacy scale. And those of us in healthcare usually judge our own by much more stringent criteria – a phenomenon commonly known as minimizing ….
Recently I found myself doing this very thing when I experienced some “twinges” similar to those of a serious and quite painful back injury I had three years ago for which I was unable to walk without assistance for a period of time. While the symptoms in this case were fortunately transient (and likely unrelated), I found myself “joking” with a colleague “it’s just a little PTSD” (legitimacy scale) when the fact is there is rarely a day that goes by when I don’t think about that injury, usually when lifting something, and in the process, experience a “twinge” of both gratitude for my healing and fear of recurrence.
Some might conclude that comparative suffering is a healthy pattern of thinking. Afterall, isn’t “counting your blessings” encouraged throughout the well-being literature (and by me)? And no one wants to be labeled a “whiner” or a “victim.” But being grateful is not the same as pretending that you don’t have struggles, and one can express their struggles in constructive ways, such as sharing them with a trusted friend. In fact, denying or suppressing your suffering rather than addressing it can actually cause greater suffering because the distress doesn’t magically go away, and we then also feel ALONE with it. The consequence is a diminished ability to be compassionate, both with others and oneself.
So remember, we can live our most authentic life by both keeping our struggles in perspective AND allowing ourselves and others to feel and express them in healthy ways. Afterall, no one goes through life without them, so why not practice validating what you feel and then decide the story you will tell. Perhaps you can even take it one step further, letting your PeerRx partner serve as your “becoming more human” practice partner as you officially announce your retirement from competitive suffering. I’d welcome the opportunity to attend your “retirement party” … and would love for you to come to mine!