You Deserve a Break Today: Practicing Self-Compassion

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”  Jack Kornfield

“You’re such a bad ____!”   That inner critic doesn’t visit me as often anymore, but when it does, it piles on quickly … “physician, teacher, leader, writer, husband, father, friend, son” are a few of the “usual suspects” that show up when it rears its ugly head, with “citizen of the world” thrown in this time for good measure as it berated me for not being as civically involved as I “should” be.  It didn’t take me long to determine what the issue was – a “perfect storm” combination of deadlines, my often ridiculously high self-expectations and drive, grieving the loss of a loved one, a slowly healing physical injury, feeling disconnected from myself and those close to me, and the heaviness of all going on in the world was overwhelming my emotional circuits.  In other words, I was feeling quite human.

Studies have shown that although physicians in general have higher levels of personal resilience than others, our tendency to be intolerant of our imperfections can contribute to many forms of personal and professional distress.  While trying to talk us out of our deeply rooted high standards will not likely succeed, there are methods to lessen the impact of these thoughts on our psyche by reprogramming the ways in which we both view and “talk to” ourselves. This is the practice of self-compassion. 

According to Kristin Neff, PhD, self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself as you would with someone you loved dearly under the same circumstances.  When one is being self-compassionate, they are practicing the principle that you can’t give to others what you don’t have to give, so that the patience, kindness, and nonjudgement you show to yourself will ultimately be what you will bring to the world. 

The definitive action I took after noticing I had entered that self-berating vortex was pivotal, and not only saved me ongoing suffering, but also revealed that I am actually making progress (growth!) with the evolution of my emotional-management system.  Instead of entering my “default mode” of isolating myself with my thoughts and emotions, I acknowledged my struggles to myself (“you’re feeling overwhelmed”), reminded myself they were temporary (“this will pass”), and reached out and shared my struggles with those close to me (including my PeerRxMed partners).  All I needed to say was, “I’m having a rough day emotionally” to both myself and to them, and they were there to listen.  Those conversations also opened the door for them to share some things they were struggling with, which likely would not have happened had I not shared my own.

So next time you notice you are “bad-thoughting” yourself (it will happen, with your own personal variation and preferred targets), give yourself a break and treat yourself like a person who is deserving of love and grace and patience … because you are.  And then do us all a favor, and pass it on. 

Further Resources: 

If you would like to create a life of greater self-compassion, here is a link to some self-compassion guided exercises and practices from Dr. Neff:  Self-Compassion Resources