Becoming More Human – Thanks for the Reminder, COVID
“Medical culture is steeped in a tradition of stoicism, where showing vulnerability is often misconstrued as weakness." Danielle Ofri, MD, author of "What Doctors Feel: How Emotions Affect the Practice of Medicine
“It’s positive.” More than 4 years after COVID-19 was declared a public health emergency in the US, and having likely been exposed thousands of times without getting ill, the virus had caught up to me, and I joined the hundreds of millions of others around the world who have been infected. While this seemed inevitable and I was fortunate to experience a relatively mild infection, what struck me most was how quickly my professional programming kicked into gear.
At first, there was denial when the symptoms appeared. I thought, “It’s probably just a summer cold or allergies.” Then came the immediate heroic stance: “I’ll heal in no time” and “Let’s pivot to virtual.” I felt a sense of indispensability—“I don’t have time for this,” and “They need me at that meeting.” There was also the predictable feeling of weakness for getting sick at all: “What have I been doing that has depressed my superhuman immune system?” And, of course, I found myself humorously trying to trace where I might have been exposed—patient care, the obvious answer, only came to mind after several other possibilities.
What didn’t surface initially, though, was any sense of grace for myself and my body, despite my decades of work advancing clinician and care team well-being. I realized that I was once again living out the socialization ingrained in us during medical training, which instills a sense of duty, responsibility, and self-sacrifice. We’re implicitly, if not explicitly, encouraged to downplay our own health concerns. It’s second nature in a culture that insists “the patient always comes first” and views “illness as weakness,” even as we treat the ill daily.
This mindset is often beneficial, even necessary, in high-pressure situations, allowing us to perform at our best. However, it can create blind spots when recognizing and addressing our own health issues. For many healthcare professionals, admitting illness can feel like admitting defeat. There’s an unspoken stigma attached to being sick—a sense that we should be invulnerable to the very ailments we treat. This feeling is especially pronounced in the context of COVID-19, where clinicians were initially hailed as “heroes.”
As I’ve recovered, those initial feelings of vulnerability and even embarrassment have lessened. I recognize how fortunate I was to have had only a “moderate cold” and inconvenience. Being transparent about my experience has prompted many colleagues to share their own “COVID stories” and even some who have opened up about other illnesses or injuries they’ve been struggling with. This openness has been particularly true among my PeerRx partners. The time in isolation has allowed me to refresh my priorities, approach my health differently, and strengthen my “self-compassion muscle.” In doing so, I’ve somehow become more human. And that, to me, is a good thing. So thanks for the reminder COVID. Now, if you would only go away ….