Leaving Them Better Than You Found Them – Just Be Kind

"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible".  The Dalai Lama

As he stood up to leave, he tearfully said, “You are so incredibly kind” and gave me a hug.  We had just talked about a very sensitive health subject which had invoked for him both fear and shame and he was feeling the weight of the consequences of his actions.  For my part, I listened, and both clarified some misinformation and offered some words of comfort and encouragement.  I thought I had been an astute, thorough, insightful, caring, and even wise physician for him.  “Kindness” was not on my radar.  Yet there it was – “You are so … kind.”

My initial internal reaction to his words was a surprising one and left me intrigued.  While I have no objection to being seen kind, I don’t identify with it as one of my core professional attributes and realized in that moment that I’ve still not gotten past my professional (and perhaps gender) programming equating kindness with softness or weakness.  But then I reconsidered as I recalled how many of my patient visits end with some tears, a “thank you,” and even a hug. 

Now I was wondering, “What if kindness was one of the most immediately impactful therapies I could provide to those I care for?”  Afterall, it can easily be expressed within the flow of patient care, transcends age, condition, and circumstance, and even in small “doses,” has the power to help not only hurting bodies, but emotional hurts as well.  This "medicine" has the potential to reduce pain, alleviate anxiety, improve adherence, and promote a sense of well-being.  And it can have positive therapeutic effects on the “prescriber” as well. 

Indeed, there is evidence that kindness can change our physiology.  Receiving kindness can decrease blood pressure and cortisol levels.  Being kind has the potential to boost serotonin and dopamine, neurotransmitters that increase feelings of satisfaction and well-being.  Brain imaging shows that expressing kindness can actually “light up” our pleasure/reward centers.  Perhaps most importantly, kindness can stimulate the release of oxytocin, promoting a sense of bonding for both the giver and recipient. 

Reflecting on my experience with that patient, I realize that the few minutes I spent connecting with him likely did more for his well-being than any prescription I could have given.  This isn’t just a feel-good story, but a “help them feel better” story as well.  When we engage meaningfully with others—patients, colleagues, or strangers—we contribute to a cycle of positivity.  Next week, I’ll share some ideas as to how you can increase your KQ (“Kindness Quotient”), but in the meantime, consider taking this "KQ Quiz" to see what your baseline is.  With this particular patient, I still think I was astute, thorough, insightful, caring, and even wise.  But apparently I was also kind.  And that, it appears,  made all the difference.