It’s Either Belonging or Be Longing …
“ … belonging is the meaning of life.” Eric Barker, Author and Blogger
What was the best job you ever had? While for you the answer might be “being a physician,” that is not the case for me. Summertime always reminds me that being a summer camp counselor during college continues to be the standard by which I have measured every job since.
Two years ago, I hired a leadership coach to help guide me through a professional crossroads, and she encouraged me to explore this seemingly nostalgic standard, asking “What was it about being a camp counselor that so spoke to your soul?” While there were many aspects I loved about camp and being a counselor, the quality that sets it apart from my other jobs was the sense of being part of something where I felt I belonged – where all of me felt welcomed and valued, and where others felt the same. It was truly a “come as you are” and “let’s grow together” time.
In a 2013 study entitled “To Belong is to Matter,” Nathaniel Lambert and colleagues concluded, “Using a diverse set of methods, we found converging evidence that feeling a sense of belongingness is a powerful predictor and cause of finding life meaningful.” Not only did belonging predict a sense of meaning – it actually caused it. This identical conclusion was reached by Eric Barker in his 2022 book, Plays Well With Others, where he boldly states, “ … belonging is the meaning of life.” He goes on, “… the most memorable moments in my life … are always when I was with a group where I felt accepted. Where I felt I belonged.”
Belonging has been defined as 'the extent to which an individual perceives being valued, needed, and accepted by people in his or her social environment.” True belonging is not the same as inheriting (“I belong to my family”), joining (“I belong to my professional society”), being selected (“I belong to this honor society”) or fitting in, selling out, or pretending (“I belong to this social group”). Belonging does not require you to change yourself, nor others to change themselves. It is not about adaptation – it is about acceptance, starting with yourself.
Indeed, what was most impactful for me about those summers working at YMCA camp was the level of acceptance I experienced – the opportunity to both "bring the best of me, and the rest of me." We encouraged each other to share the hidden parts of ourselves, to take interpersonal risks, and while doing so, to show grace for and laugh with each other. In the process, “the rest of me” slowly began to transform, to heal, to soften, to grow. And that is what I have aspired to in every job since then. Certainly, there are other places outside of work to find this as well, but given the amount of “life energy” one spends at work, I believe if we are not able to find a sense of belonging there, we will continually find ourselves in a place of “be longing.”
It therefore shouldn’t surprise me that as I have become more vulnerable and allowed more of my authentic self to show up in my present job, I’ve experienced a greater sense of belonging … and deeper meaning. If I keep that up it could become my new “best job ever”! That is certainly something I’d wish for all of us. ….