Asking Powerful Questions to Build Professional Intimacy
"Intimacy is the willingness to be vulnerable." – Brené Brown
Who is a colleague who knows you well? As I reflect on my professional friendships where others “know me best,” at some point we have explored together the questions that matter most to each of us. While initially our conversations were limited to work-related topics and casual banter, over time we began to share aspects of ourselves we hadn’t previously revealed, including our struggles, our fears, our hopes, our dreams, and the “bigger” questions of life for us, particularly those regarding purpose and meaning.
However, in our fast-paced and perpetually demanding world of healthcare, forming deep, meaningful friendships can be challenging, even as we know these connections are vital for our emotional support and professional well-being. “I don’t have time” is the most common reason for not having such bonds, but if it were simply a matter of time, we would likely feel closely connected with those we’ve worked alongside for countless hours, often over many years. What then is the often-missing ingredient for developing such relationships?
Psychologist Arthur Aron’s research on intimacy-building highlights the importance of asking (and answering) the right questions to foster these bonds. While the word “intimacy” may initially seem off-putting (“I’m not seeking intimacy with my colleagues!”), it is important to remember that the Latin origins of the word intimacy (intimis/intimatus) mean “inmost” and “to make known” – or what I have come to understand as “into-me-see.”
In this particular study, randomly paired participants were given a series of 36 progressively intimate questions to both ask and answer over 45 minutes. The questions were designed to encourage mutual self-disclosure and ranged from light-hearted (“When did you last sing to yourself?”) to more deeply personal (“What’s your most treasured memory?” and “When did you last cry in front of another person?”). Results demonstrated that by using this more intentional process, interpersonal connections were consistently deepened compared to those who engaged in small talk.
Building our professional friendships requires more than just shared experiences; it demands intentionality and vulnerability. Dr. Aron’s intimacy-building questions offer a practical tool for fostering these connections. I challenge you to integrate some of his questions into your conversations with your PeerRx partner or another colleague and experience how the dialogue helps transform your interactions – and your relationship. Here's a structured process that might be useful and includes the 36 questions, though I would encourage you to savor these questions and answer them together over many weeks rather than all at once. By embracing the art of asking and answering good questions, you can build stronger, more intimate friendships that enrich your professional (and personal) life. That sounds like a wonderful reason to reconsider “professional intimacy.”