Can We Start Over? Reconnection Powered by Apology

“Apologizing … means you value your relationship more than your ego.”  Mark Matthews, author

It was one of those mornings when, for whatever reason, the universe seemed to be conspiring against me and I was primed for frustration.  I had forgotten about a deadline and had a challenging clinical day ahead of me.  When I arrived at work, logging onto the network seemed to take forever and changes from a recent “upgrade” on our EMR had me a bit out of sorts (so to speak).  As I started clinic, my N95 mask was making communication with some of my hard-of-hearing patients particularly challenging, and then, of course, everyone I had seen so far that morning, in addition to their lengthy “list,” had saved the significant “by the way” until my hand was on the door to leave the room.  Likely you can relate.

Now running behind, I had taken on a bit of an “attitude” as I prepared to enter the room of a patient I had never seen before who in reviewing his chart had terminal cancer and was experiencing intractable vomiting.  “Why didn’t the front desk direct him to the ED?!” I asked my nurse.  “The family insisted on bringing him here,” was her reply.  I sighed and may have rolled my eyes …

So I entered the room carrying an emotional charge that was, let’s just say, “not positive.”  There in the small exam room were 4 people, including the patient, who was already lying on the exam table and obviously not well.  The tension in the air was palpable.  After brief introductions, I asked, “How can I help you today?”, my mask hiding my scowl, but perhaps not my scowling eyes and tone.  “Dad can’t stop vomiting,” was the reply from one of the daughters.  “I see you spoke with your oncologist yesterday and they recommended going to the ED.  Why didn’t you do that?”  My impatience and frustration were already showing. 

And then two very unexpected things happened.  The patient started to cry and said, “I thought you’d be able to help me.  I’m just so scared …” and I also became tearful, could feel my demeanor softening, and these words came out of my mouth from somewhere deep inside me:  “I’m sorry.  I came into this room carrying much of my morning, which has been challenging for me.  That’s not fair to you.  Can we start over?”

We did.  And in that transition, my presence, rather than being toxic, became salve for 4 hurting and scared souls.  Somehow miraculously my “pity party for Mark” turned into a celebration of a life that, unbeknownst to us at the time, was to end 5 days later.  Tension was replaced by Holy tears as the family shared important and incredibly loving sentiments that had been withheld due to a fear of giving the impression that they had “lost hope.”  And it all happened because a lost connection was found again, powered by an apology …

Where are those reconnections waiting to happen in your life …?