Finding Joy in Medicine? Start By Celebrating Those Baby Steps!
It takes time and effort to free ourselves of the scarcity story that most of us have learned along the way – the idea that happiness is a competition, and that someone else is grabbing all the joy. — Sharon Salzberg, mindfulness teacher and author
At first, I didn’t recognize her as she walked toward me and took off her mask. Indeed, had she not been beaming, I might have worried that something terrible had happened. Instead, and counter to the experience of many, it turned out she had intentionally lost over 60 pounds during the course of the pandemic, and even though I had cared for her as a patient for many years, a very different “version” of her was present before me.
“How did you do it?” I asked a bit skeptically, remembering all those I’d cared for who had lost weight, only to regain it again. Her expression became more forlorn. “It wasn’t easy. ‘Baby steps,’ I kept telling myself. And while I feel incredible, being the ‘new me’ hasn’t always been easy. At times some of my friends and even my husband, who has gained weight, seem ambivalent or even envious rather than happy for me.”
In that moment, I recalled our visit 3 years before when she and her husband both excitedly shared about the “first steps” of their only child during a well-child visit and my rather muted, unenthusiastic, “Oh, that’s great” (but thinking “I’m really busy”) response. How easily I had forgotten the thrill I experienced with the first steps of each of my own children. Seizing this 2nd chance, I exclaimed, “This is a big deal! I’m so proud for you.”
Her smile returned. “Thanks,” she said. “I know they’re excited for me too. But I get it. They each would have liked to lose some weight as well.” To which I offered, “Perhaps you could have your husband come see me so I can help him with his health goals.”
Sympathetic joy is the ability to be happy for and celebrate the happiness and good fortune of others, regardless of our own circumstances. Brain science research has shown that such expressions of joy can activate our reward system, increase feelings of happiness, and improve our sense of connection with others. In fact, this ability is so powerful that the Buddha declared it one of the four highest qualities of the heart.
In fairness to this patient’s friends and husband (and myself), expressing sympathetic joy can feel a bit “wobbly” at first, like those first steps of a child, and is often accompanied by some stumbles. But it can become more natural by regularly noticing and acknowledging what brings others delight, and those opportunities abound. So remember, whether baby or giant, every “first step” is a big deal. Afterall, joy awaits … and that’s always worth celebrating together – one step (or pound) at a time.