Ready … or Not? Stop “Shoulding” on Yourself
“Next time you feel a should coming at you, ask yourself if it really belongs to you!” ― Kelly Corbet, author of BIG: The Practice of Joy
In last week’s blog, we began the journey of trying to understand why it is often so difficult to travel “the longest yard” – the distance between our knowledge (head), our beliefs (heart) and our action (hands).
A common tendency when it comes to behavior change is to believe that thinking we “should” or “should want” to do something provides motivation. Sometimes it even comes disguised with a greater sense of urgency by substituting the words “need to” for “should.” For example, I recognize that I should learn to say “no” more often, to both professional opportunities and cookies, but for reasons that I often credit as “beyond me,” I don’t. Frequently I’ll have a patient tell me they “need” to exercise or “should” lose weight, but they also don’t. In both cases, I have come to understand that the “culprit” is often not a lack of discipline or impulse control, but rather that we’re simply just not ready to make the change.
The Behavioral Sciences explain this dynamic through the Transtheoretical Model (TTM), otherwise known as the “Stages of Change.” This model proposes that most sustainable behavior change is a process, and the first step of that process is determining whether one even wants to make that change (going from “precontemplation” to “contemplation”), and if so, beginning a very deliberate planning process (“preparation”) before moving to “action” and “maintenance.” This model also acknowledges that any change process will likely have slip-ups (“relapses”), necessitating for one to reenter at some point in the process once again.
In other words, we change when we’re ready to change, and not a moment before. The technique of Motivational Interviewing or “change talk” has therefore been developed to help both identify whether someone is motivated for behavior change, and if not, how to help them (or us) gain the insights that might help progression along the stages of change. It assesses the degree of importance (do I want to?) of any change as well as the confidence that it can be achieved (can I?), and determines what would be required to elevate both – recognizing that it is only when someone is both willing and able that they are truly ready for any particular change.
Consider those areas where you are presently feeling “stuck.” Is it possible that the reason change is not happening is that you’re lacking in “will” or “skill”? In my own example, I’m realizing that I generally like all that I’m presently doing, and I sure do enjoy a good cookie. However, in both cases I have recently detected a shift in me from “should” change (“contemplation”) to “will” change (perhaps one cookie is enough), so it appears the time has arrived to prepare for action. Afterall, when it comes to getting unstuck, it seems like sanity to apply the best of what we know about behavior change to help get us there. Spoiler alert – it will include your PeerRx partner and other support … no “shoulds” about it.
Next week we’ll look at how the “elephant” in your life may be sabotaging your change success, and will explore some strategies to help guide that elephant down your desired path.