To Grieve is Normal … No One Should Grieve Alone

“Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing.  Loss is simply what happens to you in life.  Meaning is what you make happen.”   David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief

How do you grieve?  Or for many of us, perhaps the better question would be “do you grieve?”  Though we typically associate grieving with the death of a loved one, that is a very narrow view of loss and grief.  Indeed, loss comes in many forms, including changes in relationships, changes in physical health, and changes in life circumstances, and we’ve all certainly had plenty of losses, particularly over the past almost 3 years since COVID-19 became a household word. 

In our professional work, we are daily surrounded by loss.  In the midst of such loss, my experience is that many physicians and other healthcare professionals, including myself, don’t grieve effectively, if we even consciously grieve at all.   Note that last sentence didn’t say “correctly,” but rather “effectively.”  We rarely allow ourselves permission to experience the wide range of complex and often “unlovely” emotions that can accompany loss, including anger, shock, guilt, shame, and even relief.  Instead, we often dismiss, bury, or deny them rather than providing ourselves the space and grace to process them. 

But where did we “learn” to grieve as healthcare professionals?  As I’ve researched this question, my conclusion is that for most of us the answer is we didn’t, or at least not in any explicit way.  Instead, what was modeled for us is that clinicians don’t grieve; that somehow we are either immune to the emotional impact of loss or should be able to transcend it, and that those of us who do experience and express grief are “weak,” too enmeshed, overly emotional, or even “unprofessional.” 

In the process, we deny our humanity and instead of learning how to grieve, we experience emotional consequences of suppressed and unresolved grief, including irritability, anger, guilt, shame, fear, confusion, and emotional distance.  You’ve likely seen these being expressed by many of our colleagues over the past 3 years – and perhaps by yourself as well.     

Over the next few weeks on the Blog, I’m going to be exploring the role of grief in our professional lives, recognizing that how we process the inevitable losses which are part of our work matters greatly.  For some (and likely many), this may bring up memories you’ve been carrying with you for a long time.  If so, be gentle with yourself, and consider using this as an opportunity to process these memories in a more healthy and meaningful way, including inviting other colleagues into dialogue with you.  As you do so, remember grief is normal, natural, and necessary.  And most importantly, embrace the wisdom that no one should grieve alone … including you.