When Did You Learn How to Grieve?

“When you compare losses, someone else’s may seem greater or lesser than your own, but all losses are painful.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, Psychiatrist, author and pioneer in our understanding of dying and grieving

When did you learn how to grieve?  Given my Swiss-Germanic roots on both sides of the family, my memory growing up is that grieving was not publicly expressed and if by chance it slipped out, was rather emotionally muted.  This particular pattern was for the most part reinforced during both my medical school and residency training.

However, I was blessed with a few professional mentors and role models, particularly during my residency training, who encouraged us to not be afraid to explore our challenging emotions, including those around grief.  One of those role models was a psychiatrist whose name is quite familiar to most, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.  Best known for her groundbreaking 1969 book, “On Death and Dying,” which first introduced her model outlining five stages of dying, she was a and pioneer in changing the way dying and grieving were viewed both in the medical community and in the population at large.      

While she is best known for this model, she also did trailblazing work with children who were dying as well as with prisoners dying of AIDS at the height of the AIDS epidemic.  In 1988, I was part of a group of resident physicians who had the opportunity to attend a private day-long workshop with Dr. Kübler-Ross at her farm and retreat center in Virginia.  We spent much of the day exploring our own beliefs about death, dying, and loss, as well as analyzing the artwork from children who were dying, as art therapy played a significant role in her work with children (yes, way ahead of her time).  I had never before considered death from a child’s perspective and was deeply inspired by the wisdom and beauty of the insights expressed in their art.

What I still remember most about this time was how moved I felt and the comfort I experienced while discussing death, dying, and grief in the presence of my colleagues – in being given permission, encouragement, and the “safe space” to tell our stories.  That was a first.  What was also a first was the realization that we were all carrying significant accumulated and unprocessed (and therefore unresolved) grief from our medical school and residency training, and each thought we were the “only one” who was struggling since grief and loss were rarely acknowledged let alone discussed.  This experience started an important journey of discovery as I explored how and where grief manifests for me – a journey that continues to this day. 

So, when did you learn how to grieve?  If your answer, like many, is “I didn’t,” perhaps now is the time.  It is quite likely that those with whom you work every day are also carrying much accumulated, unprocessed, and unresolved grief.  What an opportunity to learn and heal together!  Next week, we’ll explore the many facets of grief, and better understand that the pioneering work of Dr. Kübler-Ross and others regarding death and dying was a doorway and invitation for exploration, not a destination, formula, or conclusion.  As we continue this exploration, be sure to check in more often with your PeerRx partner and with yourself, as tender (even raw) memories and emotions may surface.  And remember, no one should grieve alone.