We Need to Share Our Stories … With Each Other
“Everybody is a story …. The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen.” Rachel Naomi Remem, MD
As physicians, we know how quickly the trajectory of a life can change. We see that with our patients all the time. We all have our patient stories. But what about our own lives? What about our own stories? Specifically, where do we go to tell our stories of the tragedy, despair, powerlessness, woundedness, pain and loss we see daily in our work? Where do we go to grieve?
“Tell me the story about your loss.” she said. “I’m here to listen. We’ve got time.” So, after carrying that story around in my head, in my heart, and in my throat for more than a year, I did. I shared, and I cried, and I shared some more.
I told her of the night when the trajectory of my own life and the lives of many others changed in a way that was completely unanticipated, uninvited, and unwanted. It started with what initially appeared to be one of the 100’s of normal obstetric deliveries I had assisted with to that point in my professional career. Instead, things went very quickly in a different direction, and what was supposed to have been a time of joy for new life instead became the agony of the death of a young mother and the neurologic devastation of a newborn baby.
I revealed that over the next year, I gave the impression all was fine; that I had processed this tragedy, incorporated the lessons into my life, and moved on, because that is what we physicians do. Too often we believe we’re somehow magically invulnerable to the tragedy and suffering surrounding us each day. But on the inside, I was a shell of a human, living in constant distress and experiencing a myriad of emotions, including shame, guilt, embarrassment, despondence, anger … and grief. And though some colleagues tentatively reached out to offer support, the forces of “I’m fine” were too great and I kept them at a safe distance even as I felt totally alone. Eventually, after exhausting all rationalizations that insisted I could handle this on my own, I finally did reach out for help, to the only option I could think of at that time – a therapist who became an angel and a lifeline for me.
That was only the first of many stories shared, and over time the sharing of those stories led to healing of open emotional wounds from my professional journey that I wasn’t even consciously aware I was carrying. As I healed, I vowed that I would do what I could to help other colleagues struggling on our professional journey so they would never have to go through even one moment of the unnecessary emotional turmoil I experienced. So here we are, traveling the PeerRxMed journey together.
“Tell me about your recent loss,” one of my PeerRx partners encouraged. “I’m listening.” PeerRxMed was created to help break down the many barriers the culture of medicine has created which interfere with our fundamental human need to connect with and support each other, including in our grief. In my PeerRx partners, I’ve found a safe space where we can share our stories – stories of grief, of burdens, of loss, and also of the many blessings of our work. So don’t keep those stories bottled up inside. The work we do is good and important work, but it can take a significant toll if we don’t have a place to process it. We need to share our stories with each other. No one should care alone.