We are “Grief-Worthy,” So Don’t “Dis” Your Grief, and Theirs
"Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve." Rabbi Earl Grollman, author and an internationally recognized bereavement counselor
I used to think I was “bad at grieving.” Often, what I was feeling on the inside as a result of loss never seemed to quite make it to the “outside,” and when it did, what was expressed didn’t really capture what I was feeling. Even more often, I preempted what was trying to be expressed by deeming it unworthy of expression. In doing so, I now understand I was experiencing a common phenomenon for healthcare professionals called self-disenfranchised grief – when we deny, minimize, or trivialize our own grief.
Where did I learn this behavior? There are many factors that contribute to the grieving experience, including an individual’s personality, their past experiences with grief, other factors in their life, the specific circumstances involved, as well as the values and norms of their family and culture of origin and those of their present culture/s. In the “culture of medicine” and certainly in medical training, too often the practice of disenfranchised grief is reinforced and even encouraged.
Disenfranchised grief occurs when the emotional reaction to a loss is not openly accepted as appropriate or justified and can therefore go unacknowledged or unsupported. It can be reinforced by words and phrases such as “unprofessional,” “too emotionally involved,” or “just get over it.” Not feeling welcome or comfortable to outwardly express the emotions that come with a loss exacts an emotional toll that can be isolating and long-lasting. It can also be turned on oneself, causing denial or suppression of grief not only in professional circumstances, but in the entirety of life.
Where does this commonly show up for we clinicians? Our medical practice brings us to the “intersection of life,” where loss is commonplace. Those we care for daily bring their loss to us, from chronic disease and disability in themselves and others to the loss of a job, a loved one, a relationship, material possessions, a pet, or a dream. We often feel the need to “protect” ourselves from the emotional toll associated with all this loss, and can project that onto others as well. Soon, we can become “hardened” to it or find unhealthy outlets to “escape” from it, and in the process, lose our compassion, our humanity, our “soul” … and often, our health.
It is therefore essential for we who work in healthcare to find a better way to advocate for, create, and promote cultures that support healthy grieving for ourselves, our colleagues, our care teams, and the patients and families we serve. That process starts by acknowledging, rather than disenfranchising, the grief we experience and honoring how we experience it. While there is no one way to grieve, we grieve “badly” when we suppress, rather than finding constructive ways to express, the emotions we are experiencing around loss. The good news is that you are surrounded by others who are on a similar journey. Reach out and check in with them often and allow them to do the same with you. Next week, in the final installment of this series on professional grief, I’ll provide an example as to how this outreach might look. In the meantime, remember we are never alone on this professional journey unless we choose to be – and no one should care, or grieve, alone.